Friendship

This week has been so relaxing and fun. I guess most people who live on a farm would not describe their lives that way. But since the work I did was all optional, I had a great time choosing what I wanted to do and when :-) The best thing about getting to be here with my sister's family all week is that I got to spend enough time here with them that we actually created some memories. I had conversations with my nieces and nephew. We played games and ate meals together. And last night we pushed back the couches and danced all around the living room - the Macarena, Chicken Dance, Electric Slide and the Limbo.

But another great blessing from this week was a visit from my friend Nina. I first met her when we both attended a Bethany Fellows retreat in Dallas in 2005. On the last night of the retreat, we went for a walk around a lake and got hopelessly lost. We eventually found our way back to civilization, but the laughter about the potential headlines our disappearance would cause sealed a friendship. The next retreat, the following spring, was held just weeks after I lost my best friend Kay to breast cancer. I cried a lot at that retreat, and Nina was there to listen and pray with me. The last day of that retreat (in Florida), we went to the ocean. Most of the other Fellows did some sunbathing on the beach, but Nina and I got in the water and rode the waves -jumping into them and letting them carry us toward the beach. We laughed like little school girls, and I began to find healing from my pain.

Since then we have laughed together, cried together and prayed together many times. There was the retreat when she shared with me that she found a really special guy and her concern that she might never have kids. The only retreat I attended without her was the one that happened right after her brother's sudden death. Soon after that, she married her really special guy (and then discovered a while later that she was pregnant). Since she missed the retreat, she decided instead to come spend some time in Kansas City with me. We again spent time praying together, crying together and doing lots of laughing. My son Rob told me that he can always tell when I'm talking to Nina because we laugh like "freshman girls." That time with Nina was so special because we did a mini-retreat, then a road trip to Laura Ingalls Wilder's home in Mansfield, MO. As we sat eating dinner at Lambert's Cafe in Springfield, getting rolls thrown at us, I mentioned to Nina that Branson was just down the road. My west coast friend looked at me, and in all sincerity asked, "What's Branson?" That did it. After dinner we drove down to the Branson strip and spent the night in the Hillbilly Hotel.

When I heard from Nina last summer that she and Glenn had accepted a position at a church in Canton, IL, I knew she would be about an hour away from my sister's house. So we arranged for her to come spend a night here with me this week and have some time together. I had just seen her family at General Assembly - including her adorable toddler Gabriel - so this was just girl time. Nina loved being on the farm, picking berries and making granola. We went into Galesburg to do some shopping, but first decided to stop into the First Christian Church of Galesburg for a quiet moment - kind of a touchstone of the retreats that brought us together. We had lots of agenda for the day - shopping, lunch, manicures - but as we sat in that cool sanctuary with the stained glass windows and the slighty musty smell, we began to talk about our lives and our ministries. We began to cry a little. And then we prayed. We sat in that sanctuary and blessed the saints in that church and all churches - the ones who make the coffee on Sunday and prepare communion and send cards when people are sick and bring casseroles. It became holy ground, kairos time. We never did get our manicures.

The Farm

Life has a different rhythm on a farm. People have to move to a clock that is set by animals who need food, water and attention and by weather that threatens to rain, hail or beat down with oppressive heat. You can wake up thinking that your day will be filled with activity "x" and crawl into bed 20 hours later without ever having started activity "x". My few days on the farm have not included that much hard work or unexpected animal or plant emergencies, but I've heard enough stories from my sister and her family to know that their lives move to a different pace than my own. Some of the tasks that I have helped with this week have included picking cherry tomatoes, weighing and measuring herbs to sell, picking berries, looking for horn worms that are eating the tomato leaves, watering plants, picking off Japanese beetles (mostly Nina did that task) and making granola (ok, which was for my own consumption). I have also helped with cooking and washing dishes. There has not been a whole lot of "down time" to play on the computer or even read a book.

But it's been good to move to a different pace this week. It's been good to sweat in the heat and fill the kitchen with smells of fresh-picked basil. It's been good to laugh at the antics of the burro and chickens. It's been good to find lots of time to begin and finish conversations with my sister.

I was explaining to my neice and nephew this morning that old barnwood is very popular because people like the illusion of the farm life - the simple life. They like to use barnwood in their suburban homes to pretend that their lives involve sitting on the porch shelling peas or shucking corn as the fireflies twinkle. My nephew Matt said, "That's what the farm life is supposed to be like? We've never spent a day like that!" It's true. But it's also true that there are some things about their life on the farm that are "simple", uncomplicated. Not easy, but simple - connected to the earth and its creatures. It's good to be connected here, if only for a short time.

Off to the Farm

The only other trip I included in my sabbatical grant proposal beside our trip-of-a-lifetime to Germany and Tanzania was a road trip to Illinois to see my sister. She lives on a farm so it's difficult for her to get away to come see me. I usually get to see her a couple times a year, but our visits are often 24-36 hours, with lots of events packed in like Thanksgiving meals and such. So when I thought about what I want to do on my sabbatical, one of the things I knew I wanted was time with my sister - time without agenda. So today I'm driving to Dahinda to spend the week with my sister and her family.

We've spoken on the phone, and she asked me what I wanted to do while I was there. My response? "Just hang out with you." I'll bring some books and my computer, but I'm really looking forward to just helping her cook and care for the farm. I expect that it will be in those daily tasks that we will have the richest conversation.

As a bonus, my very good friend Nina will drive from nearby Canton to spend a day with me, too!

I really loved our trip to foreign lands last month, but this trip feels more like a sabbatical trip to me - no agenda, no expectations, no set return date. I am hoping for rest and laughter and lots of good talk.

Halfway

My sabbatical is halfway over. I guess I should have some emotions about that - dismay at how quickly it's passing or excitement that I'll be back at Living Water soon. But I'm trying to live in the moment during this time away, neither looking back nor looking too far forward. My question is, "What does God want to say to me today?" So, I still have 40-some days to listen.
But I'm also trying to take what has already happened - the amazing trip to Germany, the indescribable experience of preaching in Tanzania, the breath-taking views on the safari, and even the conversations from General Assembly - and see what common themes rise up from them all.

I confess to feeling a little bit of guilt that I haven't mapped out the next year's worth of sermon series or figured out my next stewardship campaign yet. But those are things that I would do if I were still working as pastor of Living Water this summer. They are the things I will do when I return as pastor in September. In other words, I have to keep reminding myself that now is the time to set those things aside so I can hear (and ask) the deeper questions. That is the beauty of a sabbatical - the urgent things go away so you have time to hear the important things.

The busiest part of the sabbatical is over. The traveling is mostly done (except for a relaxing trip to Illinois to see my sister and my good friend Nina and a not-so-relaxing trip to Ft Worth to move my daughter to Brite Divinity School). So this is the time when the inner journey will become the work of my sabbatical. Frankly, I'd rather deal with packing and laundry and flight schedules and hotels. Those are chronos things. They have a time to start and stop. They can be checked off the list. The things that remain are primarily kairos things - outside of time, on God's time. This is where the real work begins...

GA Days 4 and 5

I am officially too tired to remember everything I've done. It's been wonderful to see friends and connect with folks. I've been to some great workshops. There have been a few good moments in worship (not nearly enough for my tastes, but it is a convention after all).

I went to a really fun workshop on praying in color. I hope to bring this back and use it in my next prayer retreat. I also loved hearing Fred Craddock share stories last night. I wish they had just turned over the whole hour and a half to him, but I enjoyed everything he shared with us.

Today has been more business sessions, lunch with friends, a workshop this afternoon and the closing worship service tonight. I'm tired, and I have some new thoughts percolating, so I'm ready to go home and see where all these experiences fit in my overall sabbatical experience.

But first, a stop at the Loveless Cafe for their world-famous breakfast in the morning...

GA Days 2 and 3

Well, the days are starting to run together, but there are some moments that have stood out. On Sunday morning, we decided to avoid the mobs of DOC folk trying to hear Fred Craddock preach, and we walked across the street from the hotel to worship at McKendree Methodist Church. Good decision. The service was contemporary, urban, lively, and the African American pastor gave a fiery sermon about what to do when we find ourselves in a pit (like Joseph). He reminded us that being in a pit is not an excuse to throw a "pit-y party." Great line! We enjoyed the music and the message.

In the afternoon, we went to a reception for the Bethany Fellowships. This is a ministry that nurtures new pastors during their first years of ministry. It was such a blessing in my life and ministry, and it continues to nourish new pastors. It was such fun to see all my BF friends. We opted out of the evening concert and chose to relax in our hotel room that night.

Yesterday was business sessions in the morning, then I met up with some good friends of mine from back in the day - Shari Allison and her mom Sheila. The years melted away as we talked about people we knew back in the 80s in Des Moines. I am amazed at how strong those connections still are for me. It was a real treat to get to see them while I'm in Nashville.

Then my daughter Bethany and I attended a workshop on global missions. It was simply missionaries sharing the stories of what they do. Wow! I got goosebumps hearing them talk about the lives that are changed through their day-to-day work. It was the best GA workshop I've ever attended. I'm so proud of our denomination for supporting such great work.

Then there was worship last night. I was really looking forward to it since it was billed as an "emergent" service and Brian McLaren was speaking. I think I got my hopes up too much. The service was more a mash-up of weird things - an unsingable Vietnamese song, a rollicking version of "When the Saints Go Marching In", people walking in the aisles waving giant flags, and a group prayer experience that no one seemed to understand or do correctly. Frankly, I was embarrassed. Not only was the service not emergent, it wasn't even well-designed. I kind of hated for Brian McLaren to see it. So, I wasn't in the best mood when he began preaching, but he did a nice job of showing us how we can be a Luke 10 church - using all three stories from Luke 10!

I was pretty wiped out and cranky after worship, but I felt I needed to make an appearance at an aftersession led by the New Church Ministry. It was actually for a new initiative to start high-growth churches - so it didn't really apply to me. But a good friend and mentor, David Shirey of Coolwater Christian Church in Arizona shared his story at the event. David began by being brutally honest about what 9 years of church planting had done to himself and his family. He shed some tears, and I was crying right along with him. His story has been my story - a long string of "defeats" with a few "victories" scattered in just to keep you going. But David's long list of setbacks was followed by a litany of praise for all God has done through his new church. They are not yet a high-growth church, but they are moving forward into meaningful ministry. They completed their first building and have been worshipping there for 2 months. I had asked him earlier, "Did it increase your attendance?" He nodded and answered, "By 40%." Wow. His story was just what I needed to hear, the next whisper from the Holy Spirit letting me know there is something good up ahead...

First Day of GA

We had a lot of fun riding to Nashville on the GA Party Bus 2011! Watching the Vicar of Dibley on DVD really was a lot of fun. I highly recommend it if you want a good British laugh. But by the time we got to our hotel, we were tired and hot and hungry, and opening worship was about to start. So, we dragged our tired bodies over to the convention center.

I won't give you the blow by blow of the service. They are live-streaming the services and you can go to www.disciples.org and watch them if you want. There were good things, great things, and mediocre things that happened. But the highlight for me - by far - was when they showed a video on the big screen listing all the names of the new churches that have been started in the past 10 years. I knew the name of Living Water would be up there somewhere, and I also knew that I had sent some photos of our church months ago when the New Church Commission sent out an email asking for them. So I was expecting that I might see one of my photos. I did. And it was exciting. It was a photo taken when Stacey was baptized. I smiled when I saw it - such a great memory, a great day. And then a few seconds later I saw another LW photo on the screen - Timothy and Attisen smiling over their graham cracker walls of Jericho they made in Sunday School. I smiled again at that memory. And then a minute later another photo of the skits we did at the All-Church Retreat at Tall Oaks. A big smile broke out across my face. At each photo, I turned to Bethany and said excitedly, "That's Living Water!" And then there was another photo - from a Christmas service a few years ago - Kris was sitting with her cello and Niko was beside her with a drum. By this point I realized that they had used all the photos I sent. And each one reminded me why our church is so special, why the people there are some of the greatest people in any church anywhere (in my totally unbiased opinion).

I was filled with a deep love for this church, for these people. "God," I prayed, "I love these people." What a sweet reminder of the reason I am here. It may be a big convention with moments of greatness and moments of frustration. But last night, the reason I'm here was made clear. This denomination nurtured me and my family and gave birth to Living Water. Despite our other faults and blemishes, I think we're pretty cool for that.

On My Way to GA

As I've mentioned before, this trip to General Assembly feels very different from trips of the past. This is actually only my fifth time to attend GA, but every other time has been with my family - usually as a part of our family summer vacation. But since Clif was gone almost the entire month of June with our trip to Germany and Tanzania, he couldn't get away for this, too. Rob is in a similar situation. So it's just two of us from my family - me and Bethany - this time. There's always been a bigger family element to GA in the past, too. Clif's brother and sister-in-law used to meet up with us and our two families would spend time catching up over meals and the kids would hang out with their cousins. Then there was other extended family - Tom Smith from our high school youth group would often join us for meals. All of these folks are ordained clergy in DOC churches - or they were.

Tom died last January. Greg and Karen are divorced and Greg has started in a new church job so he won't be there. I've heard rumors that one or more of my nieces will be there, so I hope maybe I see them.

The family piece is missing for me this time around. It feels kind of sad, but I still have so many friends that I am excited to see. Many of these pastor-friends live far away so the only time I get to see them is once every other year at GA. It will be great to catch up and share stories and see how much their kids have grown. And then there's the party bus. You read that right - the party bus. Originally, I was supposed to drive to Nashville with Bethany and another pastor-friend, Suzi Goldt. But then another friend of ours, Suzanne Kerr, heard we were driving and said, "You should join our group. We're going in a church van. We'll have snacks, and I'm bringing the DVD set of the Vicar of Dibley." That sounded like a lot of fun, so we dubbed it the Party Bus GA 2011. A group of about 8 of us - pastors and seminary students - all riding from the KC area to Nashville. Should be a wild time, what with the Diet Dr. Pepper and PBS programming on board :-)

Because I am on sabbatical and paying special attention to what God wants to say to me, I feel like there's something else I will get from the GA experience this year - as if there's a reason that all the other things I rely on to distract me aren't available this year. I'm not sure what. I never know what it is that God is up to. I stumbled on a blog from another woman pastor yesterday, and the things I read there have me asking some big questions about my own ministry. I'm taking these questions - this sense of a shifting landscape for American Christianity and what it means for me and my denomination - all of this is going with me to Nashville. I expect that God will address these questions in unexpected ways. It won't necessarily be in a worship service or workshop. It will more likely be in a casual comment made by someone I barely know as we pass in the hallway between sessions. But it will hit me like a knock upside my head. It probably won't be a complete answer - God almost never gives me complete answers. It will be just a glimpse at something, just a hint, just a whisper of what is to come. Past experience tells me that it will be enough. I won't understand it, but it will be enough to keep me moving in the direction the Spirit is calling me to move. Kind of like a cosmic game of Marco Polo.

And that's all I expect from GA this year.

Visiting Church

I knew that one of the most challenging things about being on sabbatical was going to be negotiating Sunday mornings. As I explained in my going-away sermon at Living Water, I have had a church home for as long as I can remember. I have always had a place to be on a Sunday morning where people knew me, where I belonged. Sure, on vacation we would visit churches wherever we happened to be, and there were even occasional Sunday mornings where we found ourselves in town while on vacation so we would visit another KC church. But these three months are the longest I've gone without a regular church home to call my own.

The month of June was highly unusual. As it turned out, we were traveling (on planes) for two of those Sundays. The third Sunday was spent at Beroya Revival Temple in Dodoma - the church where we worshipped five times in one week (so I still worshipped more in June than a "normal" month!). The last Sunday was our day in Ngorongoro Crater, so I did my own worship/prayer time on the drive down into the crater.

Which brings me to yesterday - our first sabbatical Sunday where we had to decide where to worship. Our son Rob has been a part of a new church called Reach that meets at Homer's Coffee House, the place where he works. Rob asked us to go to Reach with him, so that's what we did yesterday. Whenever I go to a new place to worship, I try to pay attention to how a visitor feels walking in for the first time. Yesterday was a first for me because the coffee house is actually open on Sunday mornings while worship is going on. They put signs on the doors giving people a "heads up" (the actual words on the sign) that a church service is going on. The signs let people know they are welcome to join the service, or they are welcome to come in and get coffee and leave. I thought that was a helpful way to get past the awkwardness of operating a business while a church service is going on.

I will admit, going into the service, my heart wasn't really in it. I don't know what it was. Maybe I'm still fighting jet lag. Maybe I'm feeling disconnected from the Church right now. But I can't say that my heart or mind was in the mood to worship God. Then the music started - just a guy and a guitar. The songs were all familar. As I sang them, the words began to take meaning. Images of all I had experienced over the last month began to run through my mind - remembering the people at Beroya and the songs of praise they sang, remembering the beauty of the Serengeti, remembering the huge churches of Germany where people have gathered to worship for hundreds of years. Suddenly, it became easy to sing, "How Great Is Our God." Perfunctory worship became real worship.

This is what I try to tell people all the time. If we make decisions based on what we are feeling at any given moment, we will be led astray. But if we make decisions based on what we know God wants for us, the feelings usually follow, often stronger than we anticipated. It was good to be reminded that God only needs for me to show up and give what I have, no matter how small, to make something meaningful out of it.

Worship was good. I learned things from the sermon. I met new people and discovered common interests. I realized that even though I might be away from my church, I can still connect with the Church. Which is what I will do next Sunday in Nashville, too. God will be waiting for me to show up.

Reality Bites

Well, the fantasy is over. My trip-of-a-lifetime came to an end with jet lag, piles of laundry and an infuriating encounter with the USPS in which they informed me that they "sent back" the month's worth of mail I had asked them to hold while we were gone. So now instead of wondering which restaurant to eat in or which exotic animal we will see next or what to wear to a worship service in Tanzania, I am left wondering which check-out line looks shorter at Price Chopper. I knew it would happen, but it still stinks to be back in the real world.

The big task ahead for me is what to do with everything I experienced on the trip. There are souvenirs to display and use and hundreds of photos to sort through and even hours of video to edit. But more importantly, what does God want me to do with all these memories and emotions that I've experienced these past four weeks? I was clear from the beginning that, even though there would be elements of "vacation" on this trip, the purpose was not simply to see new places. There are things I am meant to learn from all that happened. There are ways I am meant to change. That process is beginning, and will continue through the next two months as I think about what I will bring back to Living Water from this trip - not souvenirs, but a changed perspective, a renewed passion for ministry.

While I do this internal work, I will also be preparing for my next adventure, a trip to Nashville for the General Assembly of the Christian Church (Disciples of Christ). I am very excited to make this trip with my daughter Bethany, her first as a seminary student (to be). I will also get to hang out with Suzi Goldt, one of the coolest pastors I know. But I am most excited about reconnecting with pastor friends who I only get to see every other year. This time together always feels more like a family reunion than a business meeting.

There will be some sadness for me this year, too, as I miss my good friend Tom Smith. One of the highlights of past GA gatherings was seeing Tom and sharing funny stories about our youth group days back at Park Avenue Christian Church in Des Moines, IA. I will grieve his passing again as I scan the crowds hoping to see his face. But I am making plans to meet up with some others from Park Avenue who now live in Nashville so we can share memories of Tom and our time together.

I think God might still have some things to show me...