What I Thought I Wanted

Sara Groves has a song called "What I Thought I Wanted". The lyrics are about people who have experienced real heartbreak, but what they end up with is better than what they would have had if the heartbreak hadn't happened. Those lyrics really don't apply to my current situation, but a part of the chorus does keep running through my mind:

What it was I wanted, what I got instead
Leaves me broken and grateful

I'm still kind of in a daze about the whole Tanzania part of my sabbatical trip. How did I end up going to Tanzania? I mean, I know how. I wrote the grant application, but as I keep pointing out, I didn't think I'd get the grant. And even if I did, going to Tanzania was simply to meet the pastor who had been an email friend for several years. He contacted me through the church website when Living Water was just starting out. I answered his email, and we have been sending prayers, well-wishes and gifts to each other and our churches ever since. But the idea of visiting Erasto in Tanzania seemed like an idyllic way to connect with a simpler way of life - watching an African pastor minister to his congregation for a week. That's what I thought I wanted. A rest-full sabbatical. What I got instead was an excited email from him saying he is so glad I am coming to preach a 5-night "crusade" and a Sunday morning sermon. Six sermons in six days. Preaching to people who live around the world, in conditions I know nothing about. Oh, and with an interpreter. This isn't what I wanted. I didn't want real Africa and real people and real work. I didn't want to get a Yellow Fever shot and malaria pills and the stress of preparing for the biggest preaching gig of my entire life. Apparently God didn't get the memo about what a sabbatical rest is supposed to be.

What it was I wanted, what I got instead
Leaves me broken and grateful

Those words keep echoing in my heart and head, and I think the Holy Spirit is trying to sing them to me, trying to let me know that's what's waiting for me on the other side. What I thought I wanted was a vacation to observe, be an outsider. What I will get instead will likely leave me broken and so very, very grateful.

I told my congregation last Sunday that I will not make it through this marathon week of preaching unless I am literally help up in prayer. I implore you to join your prayers with the prayers of Living Water Christian Church as I humbly bring the Good News of Jesus Christ to the people of Dodoma, Tanzania on June 14 - 19. May God give me words, strength, power and passion, and may those who have ears to hear, hear the voice of God speaking through me.